


And You Escape Me (Like It's Nothing)

by sleepysundays



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blowjobs, Break Up, Harry Styles/OMC - Freeform, Harry-centric, Heartbreak, Implied Zayn Malik/Liam Payne, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Louis Tomlinson Loves Harry Styles, Luke Hemmings & Harry Styles Friendship, M/M, Moving On, Niall Horan & Harry Styles Friendship, Recreational Drug Use, Sad, Sad Harry, Sad Louis, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love, implied harry styles/luke hemmings, louis is kind of a asshole, they live in California
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-19
Updated: 2015-01-19
Packaged: 2018-03-08 07:35:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3200852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepysundays/pseuds/sleepysundays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You don't deserve it" Niall would whisper when Harry had come to his house after another fight with Louis, another night of crying and screaming until his throats gone hoarse. And Harry would look at him through the thick smoke of the blunt they had shared and think that maybe he did deserve it, did deserve the way Louis would insult and treat him as if he were nothing, because he was the dumbass who kept coming back. But he wouldn't say that, wouldn't dare, because then Niall would give him that look of pity and Harry fucking hated that look. So, instead he would take another long drag, letting the smoke filter through his lungs, before he said, "I wish I had fallen in love with you instead."</p><p>Niall would just nod and let his eyes flicker shut, "Yeah. Me too." </p><p>Or the one where all Harry needs is to move on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And You Escape Me (Like It's Nothing)

**Author's Note:**

> Title and song featured is "Never Gonna Change" by: The Broods
> 
> Just for reference they all live in California, they are American

" _An_ _d you escape me, like it's nothing, like words I should have never said._ "

**J U N E**

The thing is- he should've known better, he should've seen the warnings, the signs, the smoke signals that pointed out that this. This relationship they had wasn't quite right, that he had spent too many nights crying, his heart aching and pulsing, pounding on the hardwood floors after being yanked out of his chest so many fucking times. He should have listened to the words from his mother, should have kept his friends, shouldn't have let his his grades slip. He should have never met Louis.

But we don't always get what we want, do we?

And he feels the wet tears slide down his face as he eyes the apartment they had both decided to share once Harry had turned eighteen, when everything was right and they had apologized for mistakes. And when had everything gone wrong? Why was he the one with the empty apartment and a Louis shaped hole in his heart? Why was he the one sitting on the cold floor, forehead pressed to his knees as he willed it to swallow him whole? Why was he the one surrounded by broken glasses and cracked picture frames? Why was the one with a broken heart?

And he's fucked up, _so fucked up,_ because after everything that  had happened, after the screams and thrown coffee cups, and tears, he still wanted Louis, still wanted Louis to come back home. Louis was all Harry had ever known, the only boy who had managed to steal his heart, the only boy who had mattered. And he was only twenty one, young and handsome, but he has never felt so ugly, _so old._

It's stupid, he's stupid, and Louis wrecked him, hurt him over and over, and here he was sitting surrounded by broken memories and mementos of happier times, wishing for him to come back. And he knows, _he knows,_ Louis' not good for him, that Louis breaks him apart, tears him down until he's left bleeding, but Harry can't let go, _he can't._ He wants to so bad, to show Louis that he refuses to be tortured any longer, but he's a coward and the thought of hurting Louis hurts Harry even more. 

And he wants to take it all back. He wants to take back the memories and the tattoos and Louis- he wants to give it all up, because he doesn't think he can handle it anymore. He just wishes. Wishes he had never met Louis, had never agreed to go on a date, never agreed to be his boyfriend, never agreed to spend three years with a boy who consistently broke him down. And, _fuck_ , it wasn't as if their relationship was even smooth from the beginning, it had always been rocky, had always left him stressed, always left an ache in his chest. They had burned so bright in the beginning, but had burst and exploded in the aftermath. They had all warned him, had told him Louis was no good, but he was so ignorant, so naive, thought he could change the boy who didn't want to be changed. 

He would remember the good days, the days where they had lied in the warm, dewy grass giggling and sharing secrets, the days where the sun would glisten on Louis' skin so beautifully and Harry's heart would constrict harshly in his chest because he couldn't believe someone so gorgeous would like someone like him. And those moments- they would outweigh the bad, they would smoothly gloss over the days where Louis came home drunk, the days where Harry would be sick to his stomach after hearing yet another rumor of Louis' infidelity. And it almost seemed that if he had just a few more of those moments, more of that caring side of Louis, he would be happy, happy with the way his life was unfolding. 

Then, as if hoping was a bad omen, just as he was finally getting his confidence back, Louis would come into the apartment with a lipstick stained collar, the smell of alcohol heavy on his breath, and he would be knocked right back down, the wind whooshing out of him with every step he fell. And it was so stupid, so fucking _dumb,_ that he would let one person ruin the self-esteem he had worked so desperately to build up. 

"You don't deserve it" Niall would whisper when Harry had come to his house after another fight with Louis, another night of crying and screaming until his throats gone hoarse. And Harry would look at him through the thick smoke of the blunt they had shared and think that maybe he did deserve it, did deserve the way Louis would insult and treat him as if he were nothing, because he was the dumbass who kept coming back. But he wouldn't say that, wouldn't dare, because then Niall would give him that look of pity and Harry fucking hated that look. So, instead he would take another long drag, letting the smoke filter through his lungs, before he said, "I wish I had fallen in love with you instead." 

Niall would just nod and let his eyes flicker shut, "Yeah. Me too." 

And even with Niall's warm body pressed flushed against his, and the sweet haze of the blunt they had shared making his brain fuzzy, Harry still feels heartache heavy on his chest. But this time he doesn't force himself to fall asleep, just lies wide awake peering out the window at the rain drifting along the window pane, counting the hundreds of raindrops and thinking they couldn't compare to the amount of tears he had shed for Louis. 

 

_"And I hate that I can't say your name, without feeling like part of the blame._ "

**A U G U S T**

It's two months later, a hot day in August , when he sees Louis again. And it's at the worst fucking time possible because Harry is finally feeling better, finally becoming the man he's always wanted to be. He had gotten his grades back up, scored an impressive interning job at St. Mary's Hospital, and had sold their apartment back in July. He's a better person, more confident than he's ever been and it shows, it really does, because Harry looks amazing with his bright eyes and smooth, tanned skin. And there are moments, of course, when everything comes back, all the hurt and anger, days where he doesn't want to get out of bed, but he's not the same person, as silly and dramatic as it sounds, as he was two months ago, the day he was sat surrounded by broken glass and shattered memories.

They're at the community pool and Harry's happy, tanning and chatting with Nick while the rest of his friends are throwing around a beach ball in the sparkling water. He's laughing and grinning and it feels as if it's been years since he's been able to enjoy this, been able to enjoy his life (and maybe it has). And he doesn't even notice him at first, can't tear his eyes away from Niall and Liam practically drowning each other in the pool, until Nick sits up with a jolt, taking a peek over his sunglasses to see if his old age was messing with his vision, but alas, it wasn't because there stood a familiar crinkly eyed boy, the boy who was Harry's worst nightmare. 

And it's comical really- the way the smile slips right off Harry's face when he sees him, face instantly going pale. Harry's throat closes slightly as panic settles deep within his bones, forehead breaking out in a cold sweat. Niall eyes him, a look of worry and concern etched on his face and Harry wants to shake his head- to tell him everything is fine, he's fine, but he can't, he fucking can't, because he's now caught Louis' eye. He grasps Nick's hand tightly in his own, so hard he's pretty sure it hurts, but Nick doesn't say word, only clutches back just as tight and eyes the caramel haired boy who's approaching them. 

And it feels like everything is collapsing around him, confidence breaking like a damaged bridge and the anxiety is still there- lurking evily in the back of his throat, making his heart race a million miles a minute. The hand not occupied by Nick's is shaking and sweating and Harry has absolutely no idea what to do, what to say, to this boy who had been the biggest factor of their broken relationship, of his broken heart. Should he run away and never look back, or should he be brave and face the enemy- face Louis? 

And as if fate had it's own way of doing things, Harry has no time to contemplate before he is face to face with Louis. It's all happening a little too fast for Harry's panicked mind to comprehend, Louis watching him from the pool, Louis walking towards him, Louis standing right in front of him, it's too much, all too fucking much. Nick stands in front of him and Harry tries to calm his shaky breathing, tries to settle his shaky hands, resting his forehead on Nick's back.

"What are you doing here Louis? What do you want?" Nick asks, eyes not moving from Louis'. 

Louis stands there, looking as beautiful and fierce as he always used to, "I need to speak to Harry." 

Nick shakes his head in disbelief, "Really Louis? Haven't you done enough?" 

And for all it's worth, Louis looks guilty, his eyes watery and his gaze downward. Harry thinks this is probably the first time he's ever seen Louis so vulnerable.

Louis clears his throat, big blue eyes falling on Harry's, piercing his soul, "I'm so sorry Harry," he whispers, "I'm so fucking sorry." 

And Harry doesn't know what to say, because Louis has said that hundreds of times, but it's different this time and it seems like- seems like he actually means it, as if he's hurting just much as Harry, as if he's also been burned, as if his skin is just as raw, and Harry- he believes him. And maybe that makes him even stupider than he's ever been, but he does, he really does. But Harry isn't sure he deserves forgiveness just yet, doesn't quite deserve the words of comfort that would soothe his guilty conscience. So Harry just meets those guilty blue eyes and nods as he feels the strong grip of Niall and Liam pulling him away, and he lets them, turning his back and walking away from Louis.

The car ride home is silent.

 

_"And I hate that I'm always so young, had me feeling like you were the one."_

**S E P T E M B E R**

Louis calls him on a Sunday, exactly one month later. It's rather hot for September, one of those stifling California days where the sun is burning high in the sky and there's not a drop of water in sight. Harry isn't doing that much, flicking through the t.v. aimlessly, already had decided it was much too hot to do anything. School started in a week and he had gotten his books back in August, so there wasn't much to get prepared for, not much to do but sit on his couch. He gets the call at two in the afternoon, waking him up from his power nap, his back aching. As soon as the familiar number appears on his screen, he feels immediately nauseous, his heart beating harshly in his chest, his palms sweating as he contemplates whether to answer it or not. Because this is Louis, the boy who had chewed him up and spit him back out, the boy who had broken his heart so many times he had lost count, the boy who had left him behind with nothing but an empty apartment and shattered confidence. 

Harry took the call, hung up, and vomited.

\- 

He calls him again a week later and this time it's cooler out, a bit cloudy and it matches Harry's mood perfectly. And he feels safe now, Harry does, because he's an hour away from Louis and he knows there's no way Louis could find him, crush him in person. So he picks up and listens to Louis' soft breathing on the other line before he says a weak hello. 

"Harry" Louis breathes out on the other line and Harry's blood runs cold, because he's speaking to Louis, and he hasn't spoken to him since their final fight three months ago, when they had ended things officially. 

"That's me" Harry says meekly, twisting a curl in his closed fist, feeling the anxiety worming its way to his throat.

"I," Louis hiccups, "I'm so fucking sorry, I was a monster and I- I wish I had never done those things to you. Fuck Harry, I'm the worst accuse of a human being in the world. I don't- I have no right to even be calling you, don't deserve you. I have never deserved you. I'm so sorry" he sobs. 

And Harry, he doesn't know what to do, because he believes Louis is sorry, but he's right, he doesn't deserve him, doesn't deserve for Harry to comfort him. And Harry's not- he's not going to comfort him. But Harry's always been a selfless person, has always felt sad when he saw other's crying, and he once loved Louis, probably still does, and he doesn't want him to feel so sickeningly guilty any longer. He needs closure, they need closure, to move on, to finally get away from each other. Harry takes a deep breath, "I forgive you Louis. It's not okay, what you did to me was not okay, will never be okay, but I forgive you. I'm okay now, it's all okay. I've moved on and you should too. Let it go Louis." 

He can still hear Louis' soft sobs and he's gripping his iPhone tightly in his sweaty hand, willing himself not to cry as well, willing himself to not think of the past, to think of the future, a future with someone who's not like Louis used to be. "I still love you" Louis whispers after awhile and Harry's heart sinks, his head immediately beginning to pound. Because this was not supposed to happen, he was supposed to get over Louis, to move on, find someone else, erase Louis and keep him in the past, but it's all resurfacing now and Harry's not sure he can deal with that. 

"You never loved me" Harry croaks out, his voice filled with disbelief as he wipes his wet eyes with his scarf, "You never loved me, because that's not how you treat someone you love. You don't continuously cheat on someone you love, don't fuck and then leave them in the middle of the night. When you love someone, you don't come home smelling like perfume and alcohol. You don't even know what love is Louis." He hears Louis sobbing harder now and Harry wants to feel bad, and he does to some extent, but he has wanted to say this, has wanted to be the strong one, for so long that he feels more empowered than anything else. 

"I'm so sorry Harry. I just loved you so much and I didn't know what to do with that, didn't want to love you, because I thought you would end up hurting me, so. So I hurt you before you could hurt me. It was so stupid, I was so fucking stupid, and I wish I could take it all back, treat you properly. Then things became out of control and I knew there was no way we could be what we were before and it seemed better to give up then to fight for you, for your trust back. Especially when I knew there was no chance you would ever trust me like you had before" Louis chokes out.

"You should have told me Louis, I loved you so much and I was there for you the whole time we were together, for three years I would stay up and wait for you, only to have you come home with lipstick on your collar. I would sit there and hope you would come back, you would change and realize that you had someone who has given themselves to you fully, but you never did, because you didn't give a shit" Harry spat out.

"I- I did care Harry! Maybe too much. I cared, I really did!" Louis protests. 

"You have a funny way of showing it." 

"I know." 

And then the line goes silent, neither one of them knowing what to say, because it all seems pointless, this conversation seems pointless. The damage has already been done. 

"Why are you calling me Louis?" Harry sighs. 

He hears Louis hiccup from the other line, his voice wet with tears, "I just wanted you to know that I-I still love you and I miss you and I- I've changed. I'm- I'm not the same guy I was Haz, I'm better now." 

And Harry closes his eyes and inhales sharply, willing the nausea to subside, because _no no no._ Louis can't do this to him, not again, he can't just come into his life and screw it all up like he used to. Harry's different, he's changed, he's a better person now and he'll be damned if Louis can fuck it all up with a snap of his fingers. It doesn't work that way, it shouldn't work that way, and Harry won't do it- won't let Louis tear him apart again. 

"Yeah? Well I've changed too Louis. Please don't call me again." And he's sick to his stomach with every word, but he has to do it, has to push Louis out of his life or he'll dive back in with false hopes, only to get his heart completely ripped into two. And maybe if you were to ask three months ago if he'd take Louis back, he would've said yes, would've dropped to his knees and begged him to come home, but Harry's not ignorant anymore, and he's finally doing something to make himself happy. He's finally, finally, letting him go. 

He should've known better. 

 

_"But we're tugging on each other and tearing up the fraying loose ends."_

**O C T O B E R**

He's at a Halloween party dressed as a vampire, cold and nauseous, the room spinning around him, when he meets Louis yet again. He doesn't really know what's going on, why his head is pounding, everything in slow motion, when he's only had one drink. _Runaway_ is pounding through the speakers, but Harry can't quite make out the lyrics because his skin is burning. He feels like vomiting, screaming for help, but he can't find Niall or Zayn anywhere. He's panicking, he knows it, but it's beginning to feel as if he's going to die and there's no one to help him. He stumbles his way to the bathroom and splashes cold water on his face in hopes of waking up from this haze. He's vaguely aware that maybe someone has slipped something in his drink, but he doesn't know where his phone is or where is friends are.

He slides down the wall and rests his forehead against his knees, willing the pain in his stomach to go away. He can vaguely hear _The Love Club_ playing in the living room, but it's deafening with the pulsing in his ears and he thinks that if he were to die, no one would hear him. He also thinks he should be more scared than he is. And his vision is going in and out now, the lights overhead blinking and he's trying not to close his eyes and let the dark settle in because darkness means death and death means being gone forever. And it almost seems like fate, or maybe it's the unsettling of chemicals coursing through his veins when he sees Louis stumbling through the door, his face paling at Harry's body lying limp on the cold floor. 

Blood is pounding in his ears, but he can feel Louis' arms shaking him, can hear him telling him to wake up, can feel the tears Louis is shedding on his own face. He can hears screams of help and call 911, can hear Niall asking Louis what he's done, shoving Louis away and wrapped Harry right in his arms. Harry thinks Niall's arms aren't as comforting as Louis'.

"They said to get him to throw up while we wait for the ambulance" Liam shouts and there's a mad rush to get him to vomit whatever he's taken. Harry vaguely feels a small finger being shoved down his throat, then he's wrenching into the toilet- everything he had ate and drank that day being pushed out of him. He feels a little better this time, feels less out of tune with his body, but he's still weak, still feels a deep ache in his bones. And he's exhausted, so fucking tired, from the stress on his body and the loud screams and the music that is still blaring throughout the house. He feels someone stroking his hair, clutching him closer, as they wait for the paramedics, whispering sweet nothings in his ear. And he can't tell where the voice is coming from, but he desperately hopes it's Louis' because no matter how hard he tries to deny it, Louis still hasn't the strongest hold on him. Harry still loves him, even if he shouldn't. 

The next morning he wakes up in the hospital and he's fine, he's okay, but his heart is hurting because he sees Niall, Zayn, and Liam, but he doesn't see Louis. And he was so sure Louis was there that night, that Louis was the one who found him, the one who was screaming and crying and holding him until the ambulance had come, but maybe he was wrong. Maybe it was all his imagination stemmed from no communication with Louis for a month. But shouldn't he be used to that by now? Isn't this what he wanted, for Louis to let him go, for Louis to be out of his life? And if that were all true, shouldn't he be happy?

Harry hardly has time to contemplate before Niall is waking up, shifting a little to see if Harry was awake before launching up from his chair and shuffling his way towards Harry. Once he gets there he says no words, only wrapping Harry up into a tight hug, clutching him close as if he didn't want to let go. The curly haired boy closes his eyes and breathes in the familiar scent of Niall Horan, finding comfort in the smell of Old Spice, vanilla, and Gain laundry detergent. He doesn't know how long they've been there, wrapped tightly in each other's arms, but he feels just a bit better, Louis never crossing his mind.

"We thought we lost you" Liam says from behind them, Niall and Harry slowly parting from their embrace. Zayn is stood there too, a glint in his warm, chocolate eyes that Harry can't quite place. 

"M'sorry" Harry murmurs, fiddling with his long fingers.

The other two boys wrap him a quick, loving embrace before Liam says, "There's nothing to be sorry for, you've done nothing wrong. The doctors said they found Rohypol in your drink, someone tried to take advantage of you Haz." Niall appears to be wiping his eyes and Harry blinks in shock. He had figured someone had put something in his drink, but his mind was fuzzy and he could hardly remember what had gone on at the party, who had given him the drink. And to take advantage of him, to hurt him? Who would do something like that? Who could be that evil? 

Zayn rests a warm hand on Harry's shoulder, "They said you wouldn't be able to remember much from the party, but we thought we'd double check, do you think you can recall who had given you the drink?" 

Harry shakes his head, headache looming beyond the surface as he clears his throat, "Did- was Louis at the party last night? I thought I had seen him or something."

The three of them share a secretive look and Harry wants to scream, yell at them for keeping something as important as Louis from him. Harry wracks his brain with thoughts of what they could possibly be thinking, what they could be keeping from him, but nothing comes to mind except for one thing. Did they think Louis had gone this to him? That Louis could be so cruel, so conniving? Harry's mouth gaps open, "He- he didn't do this to me. Louis is a lot of things, but he's not a rapist." 

Liam nods patiently, "We didn't think he did Hazza, because he was the who found you, the one who screamed for help. He was terrified. He, uh, told us not to tell you, but it didn't seem right to lie." The blood drains from Harry's face because Louis was at the party, Louis had saved him, and Louis had left before he even knew Harry was okay. Louis had let him go, he didn't care anymore, it was all finally over. 

Harry has never felt so foolish. 

 

_"And it's never gonna feel quite the same, but it's never gonna change."_

** D E C E M B E R **

He's lying in someone else's bed and he's never felt so hopeless, so wrong, than he feels now. He hasn't heard from Louis since September and he tries to convince himself that this is what he wanted, this is what he's hoped for for so long. And Luke, he's a nice guy, a sweet, gorgeous boy, but he's not Louis. And he's lying sweaty and naked, body entwined with Luke's, but it's not enough, it never is. Because Luke is loving and relaxed, takes his time mapping out Harry's body, he's the best boyfriend Harry's ever had, but he's not sassy and snarky, he's not Louis. Luke is all long limbs, an inch taller than Harry even, all spiked blonde hair and piercings. Their bodies don't quite fit together and they often fumble too much for dominance. 

Luke brings him flowers, lillies, _but he's just not Louis._

Luke makes sure he's always content, _but he's just not Louis._

Luke is loving and kind and holds the door for him and holds his hand, _but he's just not Louis._

And before he knows it, he's crying into Luke's shoulder, body shuddering with sobs and Luke's holding him tighter, stroking his hair as he whispers comforting words and it helps, it really does, and he's go glad, Harry is, that he's found someone who can be so understanding, so kind and careful with him. And once he stops crying, tears subsiding to small hiccups, he feels something inside of him break and he tells Luke everything, about the fights and the screaming and tears and the good times- the times he thought Louis actually loved him and Luke is wonderful, such a wonderful human being, because he just listens, doesn't even try to talk, just lets Harry gush for as long as he wants. Harry's never been more appreciative of anyone in his life. 

Luke strokes his hair and cuddles him underneath the thick covers, "I'm so sorry Haz, you don't deserve that. You deserve the world." "I'm so sorry Luke" Harry whispers. Luke just tightens his grip around Harry's shoulders and shakes his head, murmuring it's okay over and over until Harry believes it. "You'll be okay Harry, I know it. Louis just wasn't the one for you and that's alright because you've learned a lesson. I think- I think you were addicted to the pain Louis caused, because as long as he gave you attention, as long as he acknowledged you, you were going to be okay. I think you're in love with the pain, not Louis. You don't think you deserve true love so you're hanging on to Louis instead" Luke says after awhile. 

Harry nods and wraps his arms around Luke's waist, "I think you're right." And, really, no other words are needed.

\- 

He doesn't see Louis at all in December and he thinks it's okay because Luke fills in the gaps, the Louis shaped holes, that were left months ago. They've only been dating exclusively for a couple months, but Harry decides to bring Luke home for Christmas to meet his mom and Robin anyway. He's not sure that Luke is the one exactly, but he's sweet and gentle and understands that Harry can't quite give up the thoughts of Louis just yet, even when he tries hard to. And the thoughts of him do subside, to some degree, Harry no longer wonders if he made a mistake letting Louis leave, no longer blames himself for their problems, but just because his thoughts ventured elsewhere doesn't mean his heart doesn't ache sometimes, doesn't mean he no longer feels that emptiness in his chest. But he's coping and allowing himself to grow as an individual and being near Luke makes him happy, so he doesn't push for love. 

They leave for Apple Valley as soon as they finish their final exams, a three hour drive from Santa Barbara, and usually Harry hates the long drive filled with endless miles of desert and heavy traffic, but it's better with Luke next to him playing with the radio and deciding there's nothing good on only to plug in Harry's iPod. And it's nice when he puts on an Augustana song and leans back in his seat to close his eyes and enjoy the music because Louis always refused to do that, always said he didn't want to listen to Harry's "weird hipster shit." And it feels nice for once, it feels nice to be accepted. 

' _But if the world is right, I'll drive all night, and meet you there someday.'_

_ - _

It turns out that Harry's mom loves Luke, says he's lovely and Robin likes him too, says it's nice to finally have someone to talk football with, and there's a pang in his heart along with a pang of silence in the room because it's just another reminder that Louis isn't there. And the room has suddenly become increasingly uncomfortable until Harry takes a sip of his tea, a unspoken agreement that he's fine, that he'll be fine. Luke helps Robin do the dishes after dinner ("We cooked, you boys can clean") and Harry sits outside on the balcony watching as the waves crash in and out, sipping a cold beer as he wonders if he should tell Louis happy birthday or not. He should because he's forgiven Louis ages ago, he should because it's the right thing to do, but he shouldn't because the pain of their breakup is slowly going away, he shouldn't because, maybe if he did, it would start a conversation and a conversation would lead to talking about the past and talking about the past would lead to ripping up old wounds. But all thoughts are pushed away when Anne comes out, dropping into a patio chair right next to his, a bloody Mary in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

Harry eyes it wearily and raises and eyebrow to which Anne sighs at, "I'm trying to quit, just been stressed lately." 

Harry places a soft hand on her shoulder and squeezes lightly in comfort, "Everything alright?" 

Anne's mouth turns downward and it's as if she becomes instantly sadder, looking decades older than she is, "I'm just worried about you baby. I just- I know how hard it is for you to move on, to let go of Louis. I know how much you loved him, could tell you two were going to be something since the day you were born. When you were a baby, Louis was so protective of you. At two he blocked any child who tried to come near you at the park. To be honest, Jay and I thought you two would get together before seventeen and nineteen, you two were just so enamored by each other and it was so weird, so different, to see you two like that at such a young age. And when you two moved out, moved to Santa Barbara, you were so young, we couldn't believe you were actually ready for that commitment."

Harry bit his lip and tried not to cry, "He changed mom." 

Anne wraps her son in a tight hug and kisses the side of his head, "I know baby, I know." 

The two sit in sullen silence watching a few scarce couples walking along the shoreline, laughing and giggling. Harry's eyes brighten as he watches an older couple holding hands and searching for shells, smiling as if it's their first date all over again. Harry wants that, wants that so bad. 

"I don't- I don't think we were really ready for that kind of commitment anyway. I think I knew all along that Louis would find someone else, that he would want to experience new things, new people once we moved to Santa Barbara. I just didn't think he'd cheat on me, that he'd treat me like I was nothing for two years. He made it seem so wonderful when I moved there mom and it was good until the end of freshman year. It was like he snapped or something, stopped loving me, and I just. I can't believe that I was the type of person who would let someone treat me that badly." 

Anne sighs as Harry snuggles in closer to her, "You've always been such a selfless, loving boy Harry, always. It doesn't surprise me that you let him treat you that way, because love makes us blind and you've always given people the benefit of the doubt. That's what makes you so incredible honey- you're ability to be so vulnerable, so open with people, to love people regardless of what they've done, and you love them with such a strong vigor. I've never met someone like you baby and I'm so glad you are who you are. I wouldn't change one thing about you." 

Harry sniffles and wipes a few tears from his cheeks, "Thanks mom, I really needed this, I really needed you." 

Anne kisses Harry's forehead and tucks in a lose curl, "Anytime honey, you're welcome home anytime." 

The sun sets in the sky, a kaleidoscope of all shades of color and Harry finally allows himself to relax, feels the pent up tension ease out of his bones while he enjoys the comfortable silence between them, already feeling much better than had before he came home. 

"I still talk to Jay, Harry. She told me that she's proud of you for finally letting him go, said that Louis didn't deserve you and that you're still welcome to see the girls, they miss you. She, um, she also told me that Louis is in therapy, that he still has aggression towards his biological father and Mark. She said Louis told her that was why he treated you so poorly, that he was stressed with Mark leaving him- he was really the one who raised Louis. I think you should see them over holidays- the girls and Jay miss you" Anne says after awhile of silence. 

It takes a minute for his brain to process the fact that Louis is in therapy, that Louis is changing, trying to become a better man. And it hurts to think that he's trying to become a better man for himself rather than for his broken past with Harry, but Harry's not a selfish man, and he'd rather be proud of Louis than hate him for finally deciding he's had enough with his self destructive lifestyle. Besides hating him is becoming increasingly exhausting. 

"Good, I'm glad" Harry says and this time he means it. 

At 11:58, he texts Louis happy birthday. 

 

_"An in a moment I'm older, in a moment you've won."_

** F E B R U A R Y **

They break up on a Thursday, Harry and Luke, and he feels like his heart is being ripped out of his chest once again because he thought they had a chance, thought he was slowly falling in love with him. And it just- it really hurts and Harry doesn't really have anyone to call at the moment because Niall's gone home for the weekend and Zayn and Liam are visiting Zayn's parents. So Harry's trapped with a shattered heart and an entirely empty schedule with the thought of alcohol on his mind and you know, that sounds really good right now- getting mind numbingly wasted.

And he might regret it in the morning, but fuck does it seem like a good idea right now. So he calls a cab so he doesn't have to leave his car at the pub and waits for it to pull up to his building. And he's going to look good tonight, going to look fuckable because if Louis and Luke don't want him, someone else will. He pulls on his tightest pair of jeans and a slim black button down, running a hand through his unruly curls and dabs cologne on his pulse points and makes sure he brushed his teeth and grabbed his wallet before meeting the taxi driver outside, ducking in and thanking him before spouting out directions to his favorite bar. 

When he arrives he scans the crowd and spots a few good-looking guys who are shamelessly eyeing him like vultures. Harry thinks he has ten minutes tops before a sleezy guy is buying him a drink. He orders a scotch before resting his head on the top of the bar, dread overwhelming his senses and he hears a faint clink of his glass resting beside him. He picks his head up and nods up at the bartender who smiles at him in pity, but he ignores it, downing his scotch in one long gulp. 

"Whoa slow down there speedracer" a deep voice says from behind him and Harry rolls his eyes. The boy before him is gorgeous with thick black hair and piercing blue eyes and a beautiful jawline. 

Harry just smiles and flutters his eyelashes, "Buy me another?" 

The guy smirks and orders Harry another scotch before, "What's a beauty like you doing here all alone?"

Harry downs his scotch, much to this guy's amusement and winks, "Hasn't your mother told you not to speak to strangers?" 

Harry's head is a little fuzzy, already a little buzzed, and he looks at the boy through his lashes as he orders Harry a shot, "Well m'names James so now I'm not a stranger anymore." 

Harry shakes his hand and giggles, "M'Harry." Harry registers that this James guy might be trying to get him drunk considering he just ordered a round of shots, but he shrugs it off, he wouldn't be against a quick fuck in the bathroom anyways.  God, he's pathetic. 

They do another round of shots, slurring back and forth to each other and the only thing Harry can register is the fact James is asking him to dance and Harry's okay with that- dancing with this incredibly fit boy who keeps buying him drinks. James takes him to the dance floor and before he knows it, his back is to James's front and he's grinding down on the shorter boy's cock and it feels good, so fucking good. The strobe lights are bursting in pinks and blues and yellows behind his closed eyelids and all he can feel is the heat from James's body as he wraps his hand in his dark hair. James is kissing his neck, sucking in dark bruises and Harry's not usually like this, doesn't usually let strange boy's kiss him, but it's been awhile since he's felt sexy- since he's felt wanted, and he needs this.

"Let's take this somewhere else" James whispers in his ear and Harry finds himself nodding, stumbling through the thick crowd towards the bathroom. They burst through the doors and tumble into an empty stall and before he knows it, James is in his knees mouthing Harry through his boxers. Harry's hands grip in James's thick hair and he lets him pull down his briefs and take him in his mouth, stroking a portion he can't fit in his mouth. James slides his tongue across the head and Harry's eyes roll to the back of his head, sobbing slightly with every stroke and bob. He's not sure if it's from pleasure or the pain of feeling so incredibly undesirable. He comes with a loud groan and James takes it, swallowing him down before sliding his underwear back up. And then they're kissing and it's all tongue and teeth and Harry feels sick to his stomach because he knows James will be wanting a favor in return, but he can't do that, _he can't he can't he can't._ And James whispers in his ear, "I'm clean" before be begins to unbuckle his pants and Harry wants to gag, to vomit, to scream. 

He feels tears welling in his eyes and he tries to bite his cheek to stop them from falling down his cheeks, but it's to no avail because soon he's letting out a loud sob, his face contracting in, no doubt, an ugly expression. He brings his hands to his eyes and he faintly hears James calling him a fucking freak before bolting out of the restroom. Harry tries to regain his posture, tries to stop the sobs, but he just finds himself bursting through the crowd and out into an alleyway, sliding down a brick wall as he tries to calm himself down and he needs someone, anyone, and he finds himself dialing a number he hasn't in months, a number that used to haunt him when it came upon his caller ID. 

"Harry?" The soft asks in confusion and Harry's composure crashes easily because, fuck, he's missed him so much. "L-Louis I need you, I'm so," he sobs heavily, "sorry. I let someone suck me off in the bathroom and I feel so sick. I can't- everyone's gone and I need. Louis please" Harry says through his tears, feeling as if he's suffocating.

He can hear rustling on the other line before Louis says, "Shit. Of course I'll come get you Harry. Where are you babe? Try and remember, yeah? Are you drunk?" 

Harry sobs and nods before remembering Louis can't see him, "James gave me a lot to drink Louis. I'm- I'm at The Rogue, please come get me. Please Louis."

"I'm already in my car honey, I'll be there in five minutes. Can you stay on the line with me? I just need to make sure you're okay" Louis says in a soothing voice and Harry's heart melts in his chest because he knows that tone, knows Louis uses that tone with his little sisters and brother and it feels nice to finally be the one on the receiving end of his affection.

_In The Stars_ is pounding from inside the club and Harry can feel the beat pulsing in his bones even from his position outside and he tries to let Louis know he's okay, he really does, but it hurts too much to say anything so he puts his forehead on his knees and wait for the older boy, praying no one finds him in the meantime. He jumps a little when he feels a strong arm wrap around his shoulders, a warm body kneeling beside him and he lets out a tinny sob when he realizes it's Louis, "You came" he whispers. 

Louis just pulls him closer and rests his chin on top of Harry's head, taking advantage of the slight height advantage, he presses a soft kiss to the sweaty curls, "You scared me so much Harry." Louis cups Harry's cheeks softly and runs his fingers along the smooth skin frantically, "Are you okay? Are you hurt? Did that bastard try to touch you?"" 

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry" Harry whispers, pulling Louis impossibly closer, "I just want to go home."

Louis sighs and helps Harry up on shaky knees, wrapping an arm around his waist and unlocking his car parked on the curb before gently ushering him into his truck. Louis sighs and punches the side of his car, because this was all his fault, all his fucking fault. He should've been there for Harry, shouldn't have let him walk away, maybe if he had been a better person, a better boyfriend, Harry wouldn't be in the vulnerable, shaken position he is now. Louis rests his head on the driver side door for a minute before pulling open the driver side door and settling next to Harry. 

Louis puts the key in the ignition and smiles at Harry tentatively, "I'm going to take you home, okay?" 

Harry bites his lip and nods and Louis' hands clench the steering wheel tightly as he thinks of another guy touching Harry, kissing Harry, forcing himself on Harry, and fuck, it's not right, it's not okay for someone like Harry to be treated any other way but like a prince. By the time they reach Harry's apartment, the curly haired boy is fast asleep curled tightly into himself and Louis' heart breaks slightly as he gets out of his car and travels across it to reach Harry, slowly wrapping the boy in his arms and lifting him up. Louis might've been shorter by a few inches, but he was strong and although Harry was tall he was thin and light enough for Louis to carry. Louis has to shuffle through Harry's pockets to get the key to the apartment, but he manages and travels towards the tiny bedroom, gently setting the younger boy on the bed. 

Louis sighs and sits by Harry's sleeping form, "Oh Haz" he whispers sadly, softly pushing a curl from the younger boy's forehead. Louis looks at Harry's tight jeans and decides to help change him into something more comfortable because what he was wearing didn't exactly look comforting. 

Louis strips Harry of his jeans and button down before tucking him into the covers. "I'm so sorry, so fucking sorry Harry. I love you" Louis sighs, pressing a sweet kiss to Harry's cheek before turning to walk out the room, to leave him be.

He's stopped by a soft hand clutching his wrist lightly, "Please stay."

Louis bites his lip before nodding, "Okay." He stays on top of the covers however and listens to the rain pounding outside, shadows of trees swaying across the ceiling. The only sounds in the room are the hums of the heater and the pounding rain and Harry's soft snores and Louis wonders why the hell he would ever let something like this go. Minutes, maybe hours, pass and Louis hasn't slept a wink, left with his wandering thoughts and unabashed anger towards the boy who touched Harry. 

He feels Harry shift a bit before the curly haired lad rests his head on Louis' chest, "Lou?" He hums. 

Louis clears his throat before whispering, "Yeah?"

It's a moment before Harry replies, a short lapse of time that's fairly miserable for Louis, scared Harry's going to kick him out, that maybe this is the last time he'll ever get to hold him (and maybe it is). 

"I love you too" he mumbles. And that was that.

 

_"And all the stress comes to the surface, but all the heroes are dead."_

** A P R I L  **

They're sitting on a blanket outside by the beach, a rather pleasant spring day with a bright, cerulean blue sky and sun high in the sky, just enough to warm up the freeze in their bones from the previous winter. The waves are rising and falling, whooshing almost musically and the seagulls are croaking out a well rehearsed song. Harry thinks that he and Louis are like the ocean; continuously spiralling and colliding into each other. And even if it's peaceful and wonderful and mystical, there's always that darker part, that part that is wicked and dangerous and plows everything down like a hurricane, a part that warns of choppy waters ahead. 

And for once, everything is okay, he's okay, and he truly means it this time. And it almost felt like closure, that cold night in February, a recognition of things that could have been, of love that is still shared, of feelings that will no longer be acted upon. And even if he's forgiven Louis, had forgiven him months ago, there's still that part of him that is still vulnerable, that part that is scared and sad and somehow stupidly hopeful, that part that doesn't want to open old wounds. 

But he's happy, in this moment, he's happy with his head in Niall's lap, said boy drifting off with his fingers softly carding through thick curls, happy with Liam and Zayn wandering off towards the shoreline, smiling and giggling as they swipe salty water at each other with their toes, happy with Nick and Ashton laughing, looking like the perfect picture of contentment. And it's still a bit weird, it all still feels a bit off without Louis, like a piece of his story is still unfinished and he reckons it is, because he still has so much more to experience, so much more time to live.

And even if his chapter with Louis has ended, it doesn't mean the whole book is finished, and he finds himself no longer sad about that, no longer worried, because they had so many experiences, so much love, he and Louis, and Harry would never regret that, never take it back even if he prayed for it all to go away. And he knows he's not completely over Louis, the feelings don't just disappear, and he knows there will be nights where he's heartbroken and miserable, longing to call him, but he's different, he's growing up, and most of all, he's really fucking happy. 

And when Niall looks down at him, smile growing on his face, his blue eyes still hazy with sleep and says, "You alright?" Harry finds himself answering honestly for the first time in months. 

"Yeah. Yeah I'm okay."

 

"And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is.. moving on."


End file.
